When I was a little girl in primary I remember singing called to serve. I remember realizing that this song was more than the catchy tune, it was about being a missionary! Ifelt something then that kind of stuck I decided then that I wanted to serve a mission. And now like 13 years later I'm prepairing for my mission! Its a possibility that I will get my mission call this Wednesday, that's only 2 days away! And although Im more excited than possibly ever I'm also feeling for the first time something that I haven't yet felt in association with my choice to serve a mission and that is fear! I have been so excited thru this whole process that fear hasn't even crossed my mind. But now I'm a bit more nervous. I think excitement is still the most prevalent emotion but I have been nervous that I won't love where I get called to serve. I know that mission calls are inspired and that they come from the lord, I know in time I will love wherever it is I am called. Im mostly scared it won't be what I think it should be right when I get the called. I have been praying to know that wherever god has in mind for me will feel right away like its right. Because i do know that it will be right! as I have turned to heavenly father with this fear he has helped me in so many ways! So many little things have really added up to help me feel more calm and more at peace. In my interview my stake president asked "will you serve wherever you are called?" i got chills because i knew that i would and that it would be right for me. Then the hymn 'I'll go where you want me to go' came into my mind. I was reminded that this isn't about me! This int for my travel experience or laungage development! The real reason came back to me heart and I remembered why I was even doing this in the first place. This is NOt about me. This is about Jesus Crist and his beautiful gospel! Its about light and truth that can and will be brought to some people somewhere in the world, and
It isn't about where those people are that matters as much as who they are and what they need.
So as my call gets closer, I have a bit more calmness and a prayer In my heart it goes like this
It may not be on the mountain’s height, Or over the stormy sea; It may not be at the battle’s front, My Lord will have need of me; But if by a still, small voice He calls, To paths that I do not know, I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine, I’ll go where You want me to go.
Refrain: I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord, O’er mountain, or plain, or sea; I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord, I’ll be what You want me to be.
Perhaps today there are loving words Which Jesus would have me speak; There may be now in the paths of sin, Some wand’rer whom I should seek; O Savior, if Thou wilt be my guide, Though dark and rugged the way, My voice shall echo Thy message sweet, I’ll say what You want me to say.
There’s surely somewhere a lowly place, In earth’s harvest fields so white, Where I may labor through life’s short day, For Jesus the Crucified; So trusting my all to Thy tender care, And knowing Thou lovest me, I’ll do Thy will with a heart sincere, I’ll be what You want me to be.
I want to wander the corridors of your mind
Without a tour guide, without a map
I want to get lost in a blur of left and right turns
of spiral staircases and long hallways
I want to get utterly lost
and see what I discover
In the deepest chambers of your mind
I want to go searching
Past the rustic thoughts of daily living
to the part of the brain
where not the body but the soul thinks
I want to find the thoughts
that are too big, too important to surface often
Because I believe it's these thoughts
in this part of your beautiful brain
that could teach me of you
Some days when i'm feeling tired
Like a tiny shell tossed in a giant sea
I look deeply into the mirror
Not to see my body, but to see my soul
I look deeply
into the quarries that are my eyes
That is where I can see my gold
I ignore the blemishes on my face
and the way my hair is done
I see who I am
I see me
As my Grandma's sister Barbie used to say I am so blessed! Today I went and saw my grandparents. I love them! I usually see them once or twice a week while I'm living at home and I wouldn't have it any other way. Well last week I didn't see them at all so I decided to stop by their house after work and bring them cupcakes from the bakery I work at. They are so cute, always SO loving and happy to see me. I was talking with my grandma about everything that's new since I last saw her, she just has a way of helping me feel the love the savior has for me. I have always admired this attribute in her and love her even more for it now that I'm a bit older. She helped me see even more than I already have how much the Lord is influencing my life and how much he loves and blesses me. Here are a few of the ways:
I was really sick a few weeks ago, I wrote a post about it. Since then I have gotten lots better. but had been on a hunt to find out what is wrong. After a scope, biopsy and blood work that all came back with no answers, and a very frustrating visit to the G.I. doctor I was starting to feel a bit hopeless that answers were within my reach. Through what could only be the guidance of my oh so loving Heavenly Father I was able to end up at the right place at the right time and get some answers! I was at the chiropractor with my mom and she decided to ask him about what he knew about Celiac and lactose intolerance. He immediately was able to help and helped me find out that the reason I have been so sick was because I have raging yeast infection that is taking control of my body and making me sick. With his knowledge I have been fighting the infection and am feeling so much better! Plus I probably don't have to avoid dairy! I'm thankful to have been not up at school while this was happening. I'm thankful for a mom who listens to promptings.
The next thing is my job! I was having a really hard time landing a job since I got back from Rexburg. I didn't know where to start looking. I got a job but had to quit. I was sick for two weeks. I had an interview but never heard back from them. Then finally I got two, great jobs. I transport an old lady for her doctor appointments M, W, F and I work at the best gluten free bakery EVER! I had been feeling useless, hopeless and disappointing with the jobless situation, but I know it all worked out not only the right jobs but the right timing too! Aww I am so loved!!
Lastly, if you know me very well at all you know my family has struggles in ways most families don't. My little sisters are adorable, amazing, I couldn't even think of life without them, BUT they have challenges, struggles and problems most little kids are lucky enough not to face. As things have changed and Mia is home all the time and starting a new school, It's been more than impossible ( my mom is AMAZING beyond description!) I have just been blessed with knowing that I am at the right place at the right time. I was missing school, Rexburg and all my friends up there. But I have been able to be here and help where it is desperately needed. I have been able to lift where I stand and really make a difference. I'm both thankful for this and humbled by this. I know if we listen to him, God will help us be and do what is most important.
I'm so happy to have a grandma who will remind me of the hand of God in my life. I'm thankful for the tender mercies that surround me and oh boy, I am SO blessed!
In the past couple years I have gained two favorite scriptures. I don't usually have favorite ones because I feel like they are all good at different times and for different reasons. But the two that I keep going back to time after time are Alma 7:11&12 And Proverbs 3: 5&6. Just recently I have felt the power of both of these in my life.
I have been very sick lately. I'm allergic to gluten and although I've been eating gluten free for two years I have started to have issues again and not feeling very well. I got an appointment with a GI (gut) doctor for September. Then suddenly a cancellation happened and I got bumped up almost a moth. When I went to the doctor he said I needed a biopsy and a scope done to figure things out. So we planned that for tomorrow. I was feeling alright at the time all of this happened. Having a few issues but could live my life without major problems.
Then last Thursday I started getting sick and each day it got worse and worse. I am at an all time low in my gluten adventure. I feel so sick and I don't know what's going on or why this is happening!
Well yesterday while I felt like death I found out I didn't get the job I REALLY wanted and really thought I had in the bag. That makes two jobs in one week that I thought would be perfect but have fallen through. I felt defeated. My mom helped me by saying that whatever happens is because Heavenly Father knows what I need right now. I wasn't' finding comfort through anything that I did. Then I opened my scriptures. First I opened to Alma chapter seven and read
And he shall go forth, suffering pains and aafflictions andbtemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him adeath, that he may bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to csuccor his people according to their infirmities.
That scripture talks of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I have found comfort in the scripture countless times when I was struggling. I never however really paid much attention to the sicknesses part. Christ atoned for our sicknesses, HE UNDERSTANDS COMPLETELY! He knows what it's like to celiac disease and food allergies that make you feel like your dying! He gets it! And the reason he gets it? So he can help us! So he knows how to succor us!
The second scripture I read was the one in Proverbs.
I realized that the Lord was guiding my life! He knew that I would bee too sick to work those jobs, He knew I needed time to figure out what's wrong and find ways of getting better. I believe He also helped me get the sooner doctor appointment so I could start getting help faster. So although I feel like crap, and I'm scared about tomorrow, I can't help but feel so thankful to my Heavenly Father for loving me so perfectly, and thankful for His son, who gave everything so He can understand me, and heal me!
I let the water heal me the way it always seems to do Each tiny droplet breaking in splendor If magic existed it would be found in rain A little mesage from above that things are bigger than just myself I walk the earth barefoot the water twisting my hair to curls It is welcome and intimate rolling off my lips and cheeks creeping down my neck Deeply I breath it in let it sing wispered secrets in my ears reaching out as it slowly stops leaving everything wet, tranquil and humming
It took me years, time of painful growing
but slowly, like a seed emerging I’ve learned
You are not essential to my growth
I don’t need you standing over me
watering me daily and singing me songs
I don’t need you to tell me i’m sweet
or that i’m lovely
I like it when your near
But I can blossom on my own
You want me to need you
wanted me to be there step by step
following the same path
going the same direction
but darling I take the path less traveled by
Your cottage in the woods was too quaint for me
I have the whole world left to see
and your tiny dreams would never be enough
Your goals are like two story houses
built nicely and easily in rows
I dream in a Burj Khalifa kind of way
scraping the sky for all it is worth
Life never stays the same
It's like as soon as you get used to the way things are, they change.
I used to resent that. I wanted to have things stay the same. But I'm learning that it's beautiful this way. Life is a constant surprise and although it's scary to keep going, to let things change, it's even scarier not to. I think of all the beautiful things that keep coming into my life because life keeps moving forward. My semester is about to end and I am going home for five months. It's sad because I love it here! There are so many people I love, so many places and things. But thinking about it, I was sad to come here because there were so many people and places I had to leave. I get to go back to those people and places. My life is a never ending round of more and more people to love. I sometimes find it sad that I won't always be as close with certain people as I am now. Life happens and you just can't stay super connected to everybody. But you go forward with your life, with love in your heart. You meet new and more and more people to love. More people to be friends with, more people to make you a better person.
Thinking back to January when I moved up to school, I was terrified. I didn't know anybody here, I was scared and alone. Seven months later, I'm heading home with a long list of people I love and will miss. People I feel like I've know for a lifetime, people I will love for a lifetime.
The most beautiful thing is that isn't going to stop. I will keep finding people to love, that change me, that make my life beautiful! Because the longer I live the more I'm learning that the world is full of wonderful people! I am lucky enough to know a lot of them, and i'm excited to get to know even more of them! I am extremely blessed!!!
it’s the moment right before you drown when your lung are burning and you have no air left But you haven’t yet tasted the salty water If you could pause that moment that exact second, perhaps you could understand It’s not the letters on your computer screen or the long hours you didn’t sleep It’s not the tears on your fingertips glistening in the moonlight It isn’t the pint of mint chocolate ice cream nor the dead plants in your window garden or the fact that your hair is a mess it’s inside you and it’s loud it keeps you going it’s what makes it so you can scream it’s red and never rests it’s fierce and unfair it rips at you it leads you it’s what makes it all worth it It’s the howling of your heart
what am i supposed to do?
watch you throw away your beauty?
watch your divinity slowly crumble from your face?
Like a statue of cracking marble?
I want to reach to you
pull you in
tell you it's all okay, you are enough
You don't need all that
You don't need to distract us
You don't need to put on this mask
I know what your heart looks like
I saw it, when your guard was down
and you didn't realize I was looking
Let me tell you, it's full of so much good
You spend all your time
making sure nobody sees
the "weeds" in you life
the hurts and the pains
the unsightly scars
You hack at those weeds
that you tear apart the soil
and no flowers can grow
Let the rain in your life
fine peace where you know it can be found
Don't drown yourself in fertilizer
but forget to let in the sun
Let me start of by saying I love Rexburg! I really honestly and truly do. The first time I came here I knew there was something different about this place. It's a good and amazing place. I love BYU-I and all the people I get to be with on a daily bases. I LOVE the people here! but sometimes you don't love everything people do.
In my social work, psychology and social problems classes we learn a lot about society and the way people are. Especially in my social work class we learn about groups of people. I learn about prisoners, gays, convicts, homeless, racial minorities, drug addicts and all kinds of people who aren't exactly just like everybody else.
So I wanted to feel what it's like to not fit in. To be a bit different. I didn't even have to go extreme to know what it was like to stand out. I went a bit punky! I honestly was just having some fun with my roommate, I never could have anticipated the reaction I got! I walked out of my bedroom and my roommates all stared at me, I think maybe there was some eye rolling or shock Ha ha! Walking down the street SO many people were starring at me! I wasn't used to it! Anywhere else in the world, even Bountiful UT, nobody would have given me a second glace, but I was a spectacle here. We went by this old church to take some pictures and there was this old man who opened up the door. You could tell he was like who is this girl? what is she doing here? ha ha i just laughed about the whole thing but I actually learned a lot!
I can now see how kids who do dress punky or goth feel the world is against them. I sorta felt that way! I can also see how it's a bit of a thrill! there is something to say about gaining perspective and seeing the world the way others see it... OR more importantly being see by the world the way others are seen. We constantly judge people when we have NO IDEA what they are really like! Even when we think we know... we usually don't. From now on I want to be much less judgmental! MUCH!
I also want to step it up! Go WAY punky or something and try to talk to people. My guess is they will see the way I look and never have the chance to find out what kind of person I really am.I know that the way we looks sends a message to people about who we are, I like to dress in a way that represents that. But when we start assuming things about people because they are dressed in a certain way, we become the ones doing wrong! p.s. looking at the pictures I don't look as punky as I felt! ha ha it's all about perspective!
I dream of the sea
into big rolling waves I run
Your with me there in the salty air
as I let the wind and water consume me
the pounding waves and my heart match
making one loud rhythm
I dream of the stars
But mostly the moon
and you grab my hand and pull me to it
I never can decide which i like more
looking at the moon from the earth
or the earth from the moon
I ponder this question nightly
Until I wake up to the sun
I dream of the forest
the kind where rain is daily
and wild birds sing
of bright colors and strange smells
I find you there in this jungle
what an adventure runs through my veins
as we run barefoot
discovering toads and unknown flowers
I wake up in my apartment
to my same daily routine
I search for your face in the crowd
and darling when you do
just remember the best thing you could give me
is a never ending adventure
Sometimes I get tired of the constant lack
the never ending inability to express the deep and fierce flames within.
Now words can say or tune depict or picture portray
The curios Art of The Human Heart
I know you are alive
Your alive and itsn't that wonderful
your eyes see, see and blink
your lungs drink air
sometimes it's enough to just be alive
Sometimes the wind and the heat
sometimes the rain
or the racing beating pounding of your heart is enough
Sometimes isn't it just enough to be ALIVE?
Ok so I know it's unexpected but one of my very favorite things is playing paintball!
I just LOVE IT! if i didn't I surly wouldn't crawl through thorns and get sticks and paint in my hair!! I love the rush you get, I love the energy and power of it. And mostly I love spending time with my dad and brother! Paintball is on the top of my list anytime :D
you and I are just skin
mine is pale and white with a couple freckles here and there
skin stretched tightly over bones
but tell me darling how beautiful are your bones?
do our skulls not all look the same? ?
what could you know of me from my bones?
You wouldn't know how big my heart is
you wouldn't know my love of the moon
or the way the stars often seemed within reach
that I felt i could reach out with my fingers and grab them
so tell me darling was it lonely?
did your heart burn when the sun set? radiant reds and oranges?
the colors we both can see?
did you fall in love?
did you break your heart?
darling did you cry?
I can see your bones, i suppose they are beautiful
because they are like mine, but mine are still covered
with skin pale and white, now all you are is bones
I carry my bones with me,
you, You have left yours behind
what do you do when your head and your heart are both screaming different things?
Do you listen to one and ignore the other?
How can you pick between what you want and what you need?
I'm left here hoping I didn't make the wrong choice
Knowing I didn't
Feeling I did
Some nights I lay awake and dream of the sea
a lot of things I think belong to me
like a word, or the moon, or my favorite tree
but no, no, not the sea
I must confess the sea owns me
It pulls to me
It sings to me
It lures and taunts and flirts with me
oh come to me oh come to me
the siren songs of my far off sea
landlocked, dry ,and unhappy
so far away from my love the sea
I saw your soul escaping into frigid air
you opened your mouth and with the music
I could see the warmth inside you leaking into the sky
I wanted to catch it, and with the song
bottle it up and keep you
But your soul wouldn't stay
It was warm and the world is cold
So I opened my mouth and let my voice join in
My soul followed yours
Together we clouded the sky with foggy breathy music
I try to be kind and nonconfontaional
sweet and Soft hearted
I try to look lovely
to make you think i'm put together
I try to sound smart and seem positive
so you can't see my flaws
But there are some things i've been hiding
I slip on ice
and I often talk too loud
I find people facinatingly scary
and I wear mis matched socks
I hardly floss when I don't want to
And I eat three yogurts a day
I'm an obsessive doodler
And I stay up late nights
I cry at simple things
I don't mind being alone
And I Stole some of my roomates pepper
And my knees can bend backwards which is kinda weird
And I act like an artist but I can't really draw
I want to go to paris but I'm afraid I'll be disapointed
I sometimes naraite my life but it's not frequent
and relationships scare me and I'm unsure why
my favorite word is queue
and I wish I liked tomatoes
and all this I hide Because I lie
I let you see part of me, the me I think you may like
But It's the me that I hide that I want you to love
dear rude girls who don't desirve to adresses as ladies,
I am a lady, so I use the kind of laungage that would best describe this situation. I am not like you, I desire to be uplifting and on my best behavior at all times. So I won't spend a whole blog post going on and on about your not so lady like ways. Lets just say that I would die of shame if I was you. You can't act like that! for heavens sake! Did you learn anything in your past 19 years of life? sincerly lady jane!
i have of recent been given the name Jane.
jane may at first come off rather plaine or simple but it holds a great weight. Jane is not the name of To be named jame you must be a lady, somthing i strive for in all of my doings. Being a lady can have misconceptions but it is always a lovely thing to be.
1. A lady dosn't do things that would be unsightly or unappealing, not saying a lady dosn't have fun or let loose, but she maintains her dignity and class. she would never say things or do things that are imoral or undestingished.
2. A lady is lovely. Outwardly one may hope, but inwardly always. Ladies not only abstain from unbecoming thoughts, they strive most earnistly to fill them with culture and wonderouly uplifting things.
3. most importantly ladies change the world. Not in ways you would always expect but the most certainly do! they make it a brighter, happier, cleaner, smarter, and lovlier place to be.
so call me lady jane it's my new covert opperation if you will. To be lady jane and make the world a brighter place.