Seeing Gold

Some days when i'm feeling tired
Like a tiny shell tossed in a giant sea
I look deeply into the mirror
Not to see my body, but to see my soul
I look deeply
into the quarries that are my eyes
That is where I can see my gold
I ignore the blemishes on my face
and the way my hair is done
I see who I am
I see me

SO Blessed

As my Grandma's sister Barbie used to say I am so blessed! Today I went and saw my grandparents. I love them! I usually see them once or twice a week while I'm living at home and I wouldn't have it any other way. Well last week I didn't see them at all so I decided to stop by their house after work and bring them cupcakes from the bakery I work at. They are so cute, always SO loving and happy to see me. I was talking with my grandma about everything that's new since I last saw her, she just has a way of helping me feel the love the savior has for me. I have always admired this attribute in her and love her even more for it now that I'm a bit older.  She helped me see even more than I already have how much the Lord is influencing my life and how much he loves and blesses me. Here are a few of the ways:

I was really sick a few weeks ago, I wrote a post about it. Since then I have gotten lots better. but had been on a hunt to find out what is wrong. After a scope, biopsy and blood work that all came back with no answers, and a very frustrating visit to the G.I. doctor I was starting to feel a bit hopeless that answers were within my reach. Through what could only be the guidance of my oh so loving Heavenly Father I was able to end up at the right place at the right time and get some answers!  I was at the chiropractor with my mom and she decided to ask him about what he knew about Celiac and lactose intolerance.  He immediately was able to help and helped me find out that the reason I have been so sick was because I have raging yeast infection that is taking control of my  body and making me sick. With his knowledge I have been fighting the infection and am feeling so much better! Plus I probably don't have to avoid dairy! I'm thankful to have been not up at school while this was happening. I'm thankful for a mom who listens to promptings.

The next thing is my job! I was having a really hard time landing a job since I got back from Rexburg. I didn't know where to start looking. I got a job but had to quit. I was sick for two weeks. I had an interview but never heard back from them. Then finally I got two, great jobs. I transport an old lady for her doctor appointments M, W, F and I work at the best gluten free bakery EVER! I had been feeling useless, hopeless and disappointing with the jobless situation, but I know it all worked out not only the right jobs but the right timing too!  Aww I am so loved!!

Lastly, if you know me very well at all you know my family has struggles in ways most families don't. My little sisters are adorable, amazing, I couldn't even think of life without them, BUT they have challenges, struggles and problems most little kids are lucky enough not to face. As things have changed and Mia is home all the time and starting a new school, It's been more than impossible ( my mom is AMAZING beyond description!)  I have just been blessed with knowing that I am at the right place at the right time. I was missing school, Rexburg and all my friends up there. But I have been able to be here and help where it is desperately needed. I have been able to lift where I stand and really make a difference. I'm both thankful for this and humbled by this. I know if we listen to him, God will help us be and do what is most important.

I'm so happy to have a grandma who will remind me of the hand of God in my life. I'm thankful for the tender mercies that surround me and oh boy, I am SO blessed!

Welcome to a world of Ideas

To whom it may concern

I do not need you to understand
I know that is far too much to ask
I don't want you to have to know
the gruesome detail of our daily lives

I do not need you to understand
The civil wars that daily here are fought
And I do not need you to approve
The ways that we survive

I know you will not understand
So please don't try so desperately hard
to pry open our hearts and peer inside
merely to gawk at what you find

I do not know if you understand
this has nothing to do with you
We are just breathing in and out
and this unconventional exchange
of oxygen is not for your shocked view

I do not understand
how you know everything
I don't want you to
and why you think we want your words
when you spit them out before you chew

Being Sick and the Scriptures

In the past couple years I have gained two favorite scriptures. I don't usually have favorite ones because I feel like they are all good at different times and for different reasons. But the two that I keep going back to time after time are Alma 7:11&12  And Proverbs 3: 5&6. Just recently I have felt the power of both of these in my life. 

I have been very sick lately. I'm allergic to gluten and although I've been eating gluten free for two years I have started to have issues again and not feeling very well. I got an appointment with a GI (gut) doctor for September. Then suddenly a cancellation happened and I got bumped up almost a moth. When I went to the doctor he said I needed a biopsy and a scope done to figure things out. So we planned that for tomorrow. I was feeling alright at the time all of this happened. Having a few issues but could live my life without major problems. 

Then last Thursday I started getting sick and each day it got worse and worse.  I am at an all time low in my gluten adventure. I feel so sick and I don't know what's going on or why this is happening!   

Well yesterday while I felt like death I found out I didn't get the job I REALLY wanted and really thought I had in the bag. That makes two jobs in one week that I thought would be perfect but have fallen through. I felt defeated. My mom helped me by saying that whatever happens is because Heavenly Father knows what I need right now. I wasn't' finding comfort through anything that I did. Then I opened my scriptures. First I opened to Alma chapter seven and read 

And he shall go forth, suffering pains and ^aafflictions and^btemptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will ^ctake upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

 12 And he will take upon him ^adeath, that he may ^bloose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

That scripture talks of the atonement of Jesus Christ. I have found comfort in the scripture countless times when I was struggling. I never however really paid much attention to the sicknesses part. Christ atoned for our sicknesses, HE UNDERSTANDS COMPLETELY! He knows what it's like to celiac disease and food allergies that make you feel like your dying! He gets it!  And the reason he gets it? So he can help us! So he knows how to succor us! 

The second scripture I read was the one in Proverbs. 

^aTrust in the Lord with all thine ^bheart; and lean not unto thine ^cown ^dunderstanding.

 6 In all thy ways ^aacknowledge him, and he shall ^bdirect thy^cpaths.

I realized that the Lord was guiding my life! He knew that I would bee too sick to work those jobs, He knew I needed time to figure out what's wrong and find ways of getting better. I believe He also helped me get the sooner doctor appointment so I could start getting help faster.  So although I feel like crap, and I'm scared about tomorrow, I can't help but feel so thankful to my Heavenly Father for loving me so perfectly, and thankful for His son, who gave everything so He can understand me, and heal me! 

Liquid Thrill

I let the water heal me
the way it always seems to do
Each tiny droplet breaking in splendor
If magic existed
it would be found in rain
A little mesage from above
that things are bigger than just myself
I walk the earth barefoot
the water twisting my hair to curls
It is welcome and intimate
rolling off my lips and cheeks
creeping down my neck
Deeply I breath it in
let it sing wispered secrets in my ears
reaching out as it slowly stops
leaving everything
wet, tranquil and humming