Remains

I'll be the first to tell you I've never been in love. 

But I do know the feeling when your heart crumbles and your left with rubble inside. Sharp messy rocks and shards where something lovely once was. There's more than one way to break a heart. I could list the days. Engrave them on my mind like a memorial. Tally the days that haunt me.

But I've never let anyone in so far 

That they were transplanted deep inside. Their roots vining around my veins and arteries. To where I was so entangled I had to hack to get them out. Leaving me broken and bleeding. 

But when I tell you I'm sorry you are breaking I want you to know that That real. I want you to know that wounds turn to scabs. Then to scars. 

You never forget how you got them, you may always remember how you feel. but trust me darling you can heal. 

Yesterday's Lace

Oh how I ache for it
In the hollows of my bones
and deep in the black of my eyes.
I yearn for what is gone.
My hands reach out to grasp it,
but with empty palms and fading prospect
I let my fingernails dig deep into my skin.
I cannot hold onto it.
Memories fade rapidly,
children’s chalk art in the rain.
The colors aren’t as crisp,
faces become blurry and distant.
It’s easier this way,
but how it hurts to move on.
There is something ghostly about it all,
 almost seeing things I know cannot be.
Flickering moments glowing dimly
in the chambers of my heart and mind.
I am haunted by the elapsed existence
of what use to be.
But I will not let it take me.
Memory will not be the end of me.
I sort through every instant,
keeping only the lovely and noble,
demanding the dim and daunting away.
With clear eyes and strong bones,
I embellish tomorrow
with yesterday’s lace.

Sting

I've been running all my life
from what it is I want  most
echoing heartbeats loud in my ears 
because the fear of satisfaction is deep and real
I cling to my second best day dreams
telling myself It's all I want
raw heart and tired eyed I tremble
so afraid to be alone I drown in the empty
I don't know why I always find the need
to live on the edge of some screaming extreme

Beaded

Back for 2015

So It's been just over two years since my last post. No I'm not a slacker I was gone but I decided for my creative spirit it would be a good thing to get back into it. So here I am again!

What I didn't know this time last year

Looking back at this time last year everything has changed

This time last year I had never been to rexburg
I had never met Sooo many of my dear dear friends
I had never taken a college class
I didn't know how much I loved social work
I didn't know I could live on my own
I didn't know amazing BYU idaho is!
I didn't know I could make friends with so many types of people
I sort of knew how hard food is
I didn't know how strong I was
I didn't know I was lactose intolerant
I didn't truly realize how loved I am
I didn't know how it felt to be so weak
I didn't know I would be an aunt
Or how much I would love that sweet boy
I did know I wanted to serve a mission
But I DIDNT KNOW I COULD GO SO SOON!
I didn't know I would be doing mission papers this year
Or that I would get my call
I didn't know Indiana was where I would spend the next year and a half
And I had no idea how excited I would be about that
I did and yet learned all over again how mindful the lord is
And how much he loves me
I didn't know I would be going through the temple
I didn't know how much I would grow
I didn't know so much!!!!
I'm so glad I learned all this!

It makes me look at next year
It makes me think what do I face?!?
What don't I know?
How excite ting is it to be able to learn!

There are only a few things I do know about next year
I know I will be a servant of the lord
I know I will Have to rely on God
I know I will be in Indiana
I know that what I put in is what I will get out
I know I will be in the right mission
I know it will be Sooo hard
I know it will be soo worth it
I know that I'm so excited!
Welcome 2013:)

I'll go where you want me to go

When I was a little girl in primary I remember singing called to serve. I remember realizing that this song was more than the catchy tune, it was about being a missionary!  Ifelt something then that kind of stuck I decided then that I wanted to serve a mission. And now like 13 years later I'm prepairing for my mission! Its a possibility that I will get my mission call this Wednesday, that's only 2 days away! And although Im more excited than possibly ever I'm also feeling for the first time something that I haven't yet felt in association with my choice to serve a mission and that is fear! I have been so excited thru this whole process that fear hasn't even crossed my mind. But now I'm a bit more nervous. I think excitement is still the most prevalent emotion but I have been nervous that I won't love where I get called to serve. I know that mission calls are inspired and that they come from the lord, I know in time I will love wherever it is I am called. Im mostly scared it won't be what I think it should be right when I get the called. I have been praying to know that wherever god has in mind for me will feel right away like its right. Because i do know that it will be right! as I have turned to heavenly father with this fear he has helped me in so many ways! So many little things have really added up to help me feel more calm and more at peace. In my interview my stake president asked "will you serve wherever you are called?" i got chills because i knew that i would and that it would be right for me. Then the hymn 'I'll go where you want me to go' came into my mind. I was reminded that this isn't about me! This int for my travel experience or laungage development! The real reason came back to me heart and I remembered why I was even doing this in the first place. This is NOt about me. This is about Jesus Crist and his beautiful gospel! Its about light and truth that can and will be brought to some people somewhere in the world, and
It isn't about where those people are that matters as much as who they are and what they need.
So as my call gets closer, I have a bit more calmness and a prayer In my heart it goes like this

1. It may not be on the mountain’s height,
   Or over the stormy sea;
   It may not be at the battle’s front,
   My Lord will have need of me;
   But if by a still, small voice He calls,
   To paths that I do not know,
   I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in Thine,
   I’ll go where You want me to go.
   • Refrain:
     I’ll go where You want me to go, dear Lord,
     O’er mountain, or plain, or sea;
     I’ll say what You want me to say, dear Lord,
     I’ll be what You want me to be.
2. Perhaps today there are loving words
   Which Jesus would have me speak;
   There may be now in the paths of sin,
   Some wand’rer whom I should seek;
   O Savior, if Thou wilt be my guide,
   Though dark and rugged the way,
   My voice shall echo Thy message sweet,
   I’ll say what You want me to say.
3. There’s surely somewhere a lowly place,
   In earth’s harvest fields so white,
   Where I may labor through life’s short day,
   For Jesus the Crucified;
   So trusting my all to Thy tender care,
   And knowing Thou lovest me,
   I’ll do Thy will with a heart sincere,
   I’ll be what You want me to be.